Love Tough

Love Tough
Growing independent, resilient, kind kids is the goal of most parents.
One parenting method uses the term “tough love” as an approach. I want to look at that parenting approach, but from a different angle. Let’s approach that philosophy with a different perspective. That of Agency.
Agency, from a philosophical and sociological perspective, is defined as capacity of acting independently to make intentional, unforced choices.
Nothing in that definition says choices made are the best choice, the right choice or even the safe choice. It’s the capacity to make that choice, make decisions from within.
Adults do this every day. Children do it every day.
The ability to make good choices, wise choices, comes from information. The more information we have, the more likely we are to make a good choice.
That is why, where physical safety is not at risk, we must allow children to make choices. In making those choices, children are gaining agency, independence and learning.
What they must also learn is all choices have consequences. Good, wise choices, have good and favourable consequences. Bad, foolish choices, have not so good, sometimes quite bad consequences.
If we remove that information, we remove or minimize consequences, it is a significant disservice to our children. Not only does it stifle their ability to know, understand and make good decisions, it limits their understanding of real social interactions. It gives our kids a social disability.
You may think this is overstating the matter. Ask anyone who works with kids or has worked with kids for more than 5 years. They will tell you it is very obvious in the social environment which children know and understand consequences, and which don’t. This is regardless of any neurological hurdles.
It comes back to ‘tough love’. Which I would like to rename Love Tough.
What does that look like?
It’s not fueled by punishment. It’s driven by weight of love I have and knowing my child is going to face trials in this world. Some big, some not so big. I’m not always going to be there when they do.
I want to equip my child with the inner resources they need not to just survive, but to thrive, grow and positively contribute to their environment.
That includes the ability to make good, wise choices in all areas of their lives.
The “tough” part of Love Tough is having the determination to allow consequences. Never is this more important than when they are in school.
Most situations they encounter will have consequences that will be relatively minor compared to situations and encounters look like in the adult world. And the consequences will mirror that. (I note, there are rare exceptions.)
We must allow our children to experience the consequences when they are comparatively minor, so that when the stakes are higher, they have the inner resources, the Agency, to make better decisions.
“Make a wise choice, or you will have the consequences of foolish choice.”
Not a threat. A reality. A teaching tool in the hands of loving parent.
This is how we support them. Not by eliminating or minimising, but allowing consequences so that future choices are made from a informed mind.
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